Oct 24 2013
I feel like I’ve turned a corner. The low buzz of fear seems to have left me. Hey, I like this. I’d gotten so accustomed to fear I hardly knew I had it until it left and I had the contrast experience of peace and freedom.
I noticed that this inner shift began when I became part of a new, less structured structure here at the Extension Center. Every morning I wake up and meet with my two co-decision makers, Joe and Laverne. It is our “logistics meeting” to prepare for the logistics meeting with the shorter-term volunteers. But rather than jump right in with who’s going to do what, we begin at the beginning—how do we feel? Our sharing is easy and genuine. Trusting.
I was waking up feeling very fearful and would follow thoughts of unworthiness down, down, down. That is much diminished now. Laverne and Joe have been moving out of special relationships with much attendant agony. And stuff is constantly happening in our roles, tasks and projects that brings up all sorts of crap. I honestly think things change faster in this corner of Hawaii than any spot on the planet. But whatever it is, we share openly about what’s rumbling inside us. Skip the pride and posturing completely. It’s really so great, so healing.
And its great to have our elder brothers popping by to share guidance with us. And by golly, they do it. They are so cool! I don’t resist them anymore. I’m not afraid of them anymore. Because we are united in Purpose. I have the strong sense that now I’m slogging through the inner stuff powered by a strong motivation to find that of all value, an Identity that I somehow seem to have lost.
I didn’t think that a radical change of mind, a dismantling of the ego without dying, was possible for me. Now I don’t think about much except the present and the short-term. I’m trusting the process. Trusting the Holy Spirit to do His thing. It seems to be working. And for this I am very grateful.
Peace, love and joy,