Feb 14 2014
I awoke; it was 1.30am and my roomie was sleeping soundly. Oh great, I thought now what do I do? My desire to sleep had been removed and the only choice that seemed there to be was to get up and go sit on a couch.
Sitting there I started to contemplate why this was happening. I mean, if everything happens for my benefit, then why was I awake alone and in the dark?
After some time it dawned on me to ask Spirit that very question. So I did. I asked Spirit, “Why am I here on the couch, alone and in the dark?” The answer came in the form of a question, “What do you really want?” I sat with this for hours on that couch wondering how I got to where I am and what did I really want?
Then finally it dawned on me. I wanted to be authentic; I wanted to feel True Love, God’s Love, the Love that I Am. I wanted that experience, I wanted in that moment with all my Heart the experience of Love. So I asked for it, and the answer came again in the form of a question, “Do you know who you are?” Again I went into contemplation, and again after some time I came to the surprising conclusion that NO, I had no clue on who I was. I thought I did, and I thought I knew where I was going, but in this moment, at this time, I had to admit that I had no clue.
So I asked, “What do I do now?” The answer came, “Go back to bed.” It was now 5.00am, I went back to bed and straight to sleep with the most vivid dream and waking mystical experience I had ever had in this lifetime. However, when the alarm went off and I got up, an intense feeling of separation and fear was present.
So I asked Spirit again to show me, today, what authenticity looked like and went off to expression session ready to tell about my night’s adventures. To be totally honest I really have no clue what happened, but that session ran for over 5 hours and I saw every one of my brothers and sisters breaking open with raw, emotional, and heart rendering authenticity.
Needless to say the small ripple of separation and fear in me had now grown into a tidal wave and I was just sitting there saying nothing, being engulfed and drowning in fear. To my relief the session ended and I went off to contemplate on just what I had witnessed and experienced.
I sat alone with these feelings waiting for them to go, and they only got bigger. So in desperation I called out to Spirit, “What am I to do?” The answer came in a flash, “Go hug your brother and tell him you need his help.” “Which one?” I asked, and the dreaded answer was, “You know.” “Not him!” I yelled, “Anyone but him!” Excuses, and alternatives flooded in, and as they did the pain increased.
I desperately bargained with Spirit, “That can’t be my only choice,” to which a very clear answer came, “Go hug your brother or leave the community.” I knew in my heart this was my only choice, as the pain of staying without the hug would be so huge it would, as it has done before, overwhelm me.
I knew the decision had to be made, and it had to be made now. No delaying any more, it just had to be done. In a vain attempt to ease the pain I again bargained with Spirit, and every attempt was met with loving silence. I knew what I had to do and with an ever-increasing trembling fear, I gave an unequivocal “YES” to Spirit; I would go immediately and Hug that brother and die if I must.
That very instant all pain, all anxiety, all doubt and all fear disappeared as I walked toward what I now know had come to be the very symbol of my very separation, the hug with that brother.
The rest I now know I had no control over, it was entirely involuntary as I hugged that brother and asked him to help me be authentic. Nothing else was said. I just dissolved into his arms in pure, unconditional, and what I just Knew to be God’s, Love.
My body arrived at community a month ago and now my mind had joined it. That day is still a blur. However I can remember I seemed to dissolve weeping into the total un-judgmental love of my brother’s arms. Waves of judgment and limitation released from my mind and I was left in a space with all my brothers and siters of what I can now describe as True Love.
It is now some days later and that feeling has not left. The physical attributes of the world, my brothers and sisters have not changed, yet everything I see and feel has. I feel totally connected to my brothers and sisters and beyond. Judgment is not present and Love is. I still have no clue, however, that is of little consequence, as the connection and love I feel in this moment is total and all I feel to do is extend it.
Welcome to community!