Feb 1 2014
I have felt so much fear and resistance in recent weeks. A deep fear of love has been coming into my awareness. This fear has been there for as long as I can remember. I have had a tendency to run away whenever it would rise. Most often it played out in relationships, where not only would I exit the relationship when things became intense but several times I would flee whatever country I was in at the time too.
So for weeks my mind has been flipping backwards and forwards like in the song, “should I stay or should I go now…” I feel a deep gratitude to Armelle and the whole team at the Extension Center in Hawaii. Everything is truly welcome here! I could freely express all the thoughts of wanting to ‘do a runner’ and this always helped relieve the intensity in my mind. What a gift to be able to expose all fear thoughts and be met with nothing but love!!!
I had an experience with a friend a few days ago that showed me beyond question that this fear is melting. We shared what I could only describe as timelessness. There was (is) no separation, and what joy at laughing fear in the face and having it disappear. The depth of love and connection was beyond words… but hey, will write a few more anyway. LOL
I am reminded of Jesus’ words in A Course in Miracles when he refers to the fear of God (love): “Every obstacle that peace must flow across is surmounted in just the same way; the fear that raised it yields to the love beyond and so the fear is gone.”
This is how it feels to me. The love is sorting it all out… and there is nothing I can do about it. I am being undone and the ego has been roaring viciously (it felt so timely to watch clips this morning from the movie “Revolver” where the main character has an awakening experience in an elevator).
I feel such gratitude to have so many mighty companions with me as I go through this undoing. What a blessing to be living in a community where this is the only purpose. There are no worldly distractions here. Everyone has declared that they no longer want what the world offers and are experiencing the gifts available beyond the world of form.
For example, in recent weeks in Hawaii I have noticed that my sexual desire has diminished almost entirely. Sex always seemed the pinnacle experience in my relating with women and consequently I never really felt very close to any past girlfriends. As this and other cravings drop away, suddenly deep intimate joinings in mind are occurring that are more juicy, alive and fulfilling than anything I have ever known. At times these joinings feel scary to me but mostly this fear is giving way to a newness and freshness and a love that feels so natural, simple and joyful.
I feel so blessed. Thank you God.