Hawaii

In my second month at the Extension Center Hawaii now it’s becoming clearer in mind, that it I must play my part. No one else can play it for me.

The Atonement, the waking from the dream to Who I Am, is composed in such a way that it only works when we all play the part that is Given to us by the Holy Spirit. And by it working, I mean that the result is my experience of joy, peace and happiness. I tend to think that, when I feel to say something, or do something, or not say something or not do something, it isn’t necessary for me to act on those feelings; tend to think that I can just watch everything unfold, just let the script unfold itself without me having to take part in it, without me doing anything; I tend to think that, whatever I feel to say/ not say, do/ not do, will be felt by someone else too and they will take care of it. What I really feel now though is, that when I do that, inside, I feel really… repressed, and not at all at peace, or joyful and happy. It feels like it is just another way for me to make myself the victim. Because in this way, first of all I can’t do anything wrong – since I am not even participating – and secondly, if something doesn’t turn out the way I hoped, then I can blame someone else. Then I can say See, this happened because YOU did this, or didn’t do this! Pretty clever! That is a way of thinking that I’ve been keeping hidden from my awareness for, probably, my entire life. There’s always been a fear of doing something wrong, so what do I do? I don’t even try!

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I edited my first video project over the weekend: Spider-Man 2 with commentary from Jason and Armelle. This sleeper of a metaphysical movie is about a superhero who’s tired of saving people, keep’s pushing away love, and stays isolated by hiding his identity and keeping secrets. OK, I can relate to that story line 😉 Spidey seemingly loses his superpowers and decides he wants to be a normal guy, but even that isn’t the answer. The turning point of the movie comes when he starts expressing to those around him the secrets he’s carried for years. He then finds himself saving a child from a burning building, not as Spider-Man, but as himself. At the end of the movie he opens up to love and still ends up saving people, so in form he still looks the same, but now he has a purpose and zeal he didn’t have at the beginning of the movie.

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I feel like I’ve turned a corner. The low buzz of fear seems to have left me. Hey, I like this. I’d gotten so accustomed to fear I hardly knew I had it until it left and I had the contrast experience of peace and freedom.

I noticed that this inner shift began when I became part of a new, less structured structure here at the Extension Center. Every morning I wake up and meet with my two co-decision makers, Joe and Laverne. It is our “logistics meeting” to prepare for the logistics meeting with the shorter-term volunteers. But rather than jump right in with who’s going to do what, we begin at the beginning—how do we feel? Our sharing is easy and genuine. Trusting.

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‘A ‘ohe hana nui ke alu ‘ia – No task is too big when done together by all.

I “stumbled” over this quote today, and it just strikes me as incredibly powerful and true, and so relevant to what we are doing here, what I am doing here. So relevant to my purpose.

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Like the girl with amnesia in the movie, 50 First Dates, I awake today and press “play” on the videotape in my mind reminding me that I’ve had an accident – I thought I was separate from God – and that I choose today to remember who I am. And I will rewind and play that videotape over and over in my mind, however many times needed, until I awaken from the dream of this world to see that I’ve always been held in the arms of God.

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