Hawaii

I awoke; it was 1.30am and my roomie was sleeping soundly. Oh great, I thought now what do I do? My desire to sleep had been removed and the only choice that seemed there to be was to get up and go sit on a couch.

Sitting there I started to contemplate why this was happening. I mean, if everything happens for my benefit, then why was I awake alone and in the dark?

After some time it dawned on me to ask Spirit that very question. So I did. I asked Spirit, “Why am I here on the couch, alone and in the dark?” The answer came in the form of a question, “What do you really want?” I sat with this for hours on that couch wondering how I got to where I am and what did I really want?

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The Pop 

Two days ago I sat down with two other volunteers at the table where they were talking. At one point I found myself reciting an old grievance against a brother. Right after that one of the volunteers pointed out exactly what I had done: I had jumped in unasked simply to tell my grievance story. For an instant I thought of justifying myself, but I couldn’t. I knew that what he said was the truth. From a position above the table and a bit to the side, I saw myself clearly. I seemed like a little hate capsule. I recognized what I had done and that I had been doing it for years. Oh God! I was wrong! Completely wrong.

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I cannot do anything wrong. That is the lesson that has been Given over and over in the past few weeks. Nothing can go wrong; everything is perfect.

I’ve been having such contrasting experiences recently. From the deepest feeling of connectedness with God to the deepest feeling of despair. The pendulum swings hard these days! I couldn’t figure out what was going on until I took some much needed time to pray this morning – a prompt I followed thanks to a loving reminder from a dear brother. What I found was that I thought things had to be different from the way they were, that I had to have different feelings and different reactions and different thoughts. Wow! I am glad I was open enough to see that I wanted Peace instead of that, that I indeed wanted Peace more than unhappiness. I went into my feelings deeply, and what I saw was that I thought that I was trapped in wrongness beyond repair. And only a miracle could change my mind about that.

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I have felt so much fear and resistance in recent weeks. A deep fear of love has been coming into my awareness. This fear has been there for as long as I can remember. I have had a tendency to run away whenever it would rise. Most often it played out in relationships, where not only would I exit the relationship when things became intense but several times I would flee whatever country I was in at the time too.

So for weeks my mind has been flipping backwards and forwards like in the song, “should I stay or should I go now…” I feel a deep gratitude to Armelle and the whole team at the Extension Center in Hawaii. Everything is truly welcome here! I could freely express all the thoughts of wanting to ‘do a runner’ and this always helped relieve the intensity in my mind. What a gift to be able to expose all fear thoughts and be met with nothing but love!!!

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Yesterday I upset myself by putting meaning on a communication event I had with a brother.

Right off, this thought raises a lot of questions. Why am I putting my mind in the past? Who is the “I” (i) who upset himself? Do I really know what occurred in the “communication event”? What meaning did I give it? ACIM has lots to say: “I have given everything I see all the meaning it has for me.” “Judge not.” “Do not see error.” I must have seen error (bad Andy).

Little “i” likes to blame himself, because “Anger always involves projection of separation, which must ultimately be accepted as one’s own responsibility, rather than being blamed on others.” And what I should have done: If I feel the faintest hint of irritation, I should instantly realize that I made an interpretation that is not true, then turn within to my eternal Guide, and let Him judge what my response should be. Yeah, great. But actually trying to do it right didn’t work for me in the moment.

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Something soft and very nurturing is happening for me right now.

It has felt like there was a period of stirring going on; quite disorientating and part of my mind wanted to judge the experience and tell me that I should do something about intense, ambiguous and very present feelings. Well, I am finding that what I need to do is absolutely nothing. I just let them be. It’s all about not escaping them, because there simply is nothing wrong with any of them! The only discomfort I feel is when I identify with those thoughts and make up a whole story around them – even when I feel feelings such as fear, pain, despair, sorrow and so on, they are not at all uncomfortable in and of themselves!! It’s just the story and the hanging onto them that creates the discomfort!!!

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