Feb 20 2014
I had a conversation with a brother today who was suffering and this came out, “it’s in the indecision the suffering lies.” It was at this point that I felt a surge of Knowing that this was the Truth, yet while I understood how this could be so, I really didn’t get the “Why” of this being so! At that time I noted that this is something that required further contemplation and moved on with doing other things.
Feb 20 2014
Wow! What a profound experience. “Either way, I am just listening,” I said to Gavin while he was telling me that the scary stories I was making up in my mind about why this is scary, and why I am resistant to that, and so on, they are stories made up by the ego; not me. I can listen to the guidance from Spirit, or I can listen to the stories of the ego. But either way, I am just listening. And I can choose which one I join. I can join the ego’s story and feel afraid and little, and feel that I am alone and imperfect, constantly getting everything wrong. Or I can step back; I can still hear what the ego has to say, and instead of biting into its stories, say “I can hear you, thank you,” and give those thoughts and feelings over to Spirit and join Him instead.
Feb 20 2014
I finally have to look at it—my grievance against other people for not loving me, as indicated by their not reaching out to me and granting me happiness. Deep down I have believed I am unworthy of love. My beliefs are causative, with the power to dictate each decision I make. I have set up (projected) moment-after-perceived-moment of actions and non-actions of others to prove that they didn’t really love me. I was the face of innocence, the poor victim. Others made me become defensive and withdrawn.
Feb 17 2014
Ever since arriving in community the idea of concepts has been playing on my mind. So I looked up Google for the meaning of concepts and in part, what stood out, is:
Feb 14 2014
February 11 We just had a five-hour expression session here at the Extension Center, including a call with Armelle. What was coming up for me was my grievance against Colin. I often felt irritation at his lengthy emotional expressions. Today his loud train of words directed at me seemed definitely “off” and I felt angry. I said I saw him being dominating and controlling, that he was motivated by the desire to always be right, that he seemed to relish jumping on someone and taking bone-cutting shears to their chests, making them wrong in the feeling department and then “fixing” them. He replied with something and I really got into it, with strong, direct language, using the f-word and hand gestures for emphasis.
Feb 14 2014
I awoke; it was 1.30am and my roomie was sleeping soundly. Oh great, I thought now what do I do? My desire to sleep had been removed and the only choice that seemed there to be was to get up and go sit on a couch.
Sitting there I started to contemplate why this was happening. I mean, if everything happens for my benefit, then why was I awake alone and in the dark?
After some time it dawned on me to ask Spirit that very question. So I did. I asked Spirit, “Why am I here on the couch, alone and in the dark?” The answer came in the form of a question, “What do you really want?” I sat with this for hours on that couch wondering how I got to where I am and what did I really want?
Feb 7 2014
The Pop Two days ago I sat down with two other volunteers at the table where they were talking. At one point I found myself reciting an old grievance against a brother. Right after that one of the volunteers pointed out exactly what I had done: I had jumped in unasked simply to tell my grievance story. For an instant I thought of justifying myself, but I couldn’t. I knew that what he said was the truth. From a position above the table and a bit to the side, I saw myself clearly. I seemed like a little hate capsule. I recognized what I had done and that I had been doing it for years. Oh God! I was wrong! Completely wrong.
Feb 6 2014
I cannot do anything wrong. That is the lesson that has been Given over and over in the past few weeks. Nothing can go wrong; everything is perfect.
I’ve been having such contrasting experiences recently. From the deepest feeling of connectedness with God to the deepest feeling of despair. The pendulum swings hard these days! I couldn’t figure out what was going on until I took some much needed time to pray this morning – a prompt I followed thanks to a loving reminder from a dear brother. What I found was that I thought things had to be different from the way they were, that I had to have different feelings and different reactions and different thoughts. Wow! I am glad I was open enough to see that I wanted Peace instead of that, that I indeed wanted Peace more than unhappiness. I went into my feelings deeply, and what I saw was that I thought that I was trapped in wrongness beyond repair. And only a miracle could change my mind about that.
Feb 1 2014
I have felt so much fear and resistance in recent weeks. A deep fear of love has been coming into my awareness. This fear has been there for as long as I can remember. I have had a tendency to run away whenever it would rise. Most often it played out in relationships, where not only would I exit the relationship when things became intense but several times I would flee whatever country I was in at the time too.
So for weeks my mind has been flipping backwards and forwards like in the song, “should I stay or should I go now…” I feel a deep gratitude to Armelle and the whole team at the Extension Center in Hawaii. Everything is truly welcome here! I could freely express all the thoughts of wanting to ‘do a runner’ and this always helped relieve the intensity in my mind. What a gift to be able to expose all fear thoughts and be met with nothing but love!!!
Mar 1 2014
Let Your Self Drop
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