Nov 9 2013
In my second month at the Extension Center Hawaii now it’s becoming clearer in mind, that it I must play my part. No one else can play it for me.
The Atonement, the waking from the dream to Who I Am, is composed in such a way that it only works when we all play the part that is Given to us by the Holy Spirit. And by it working, I mean that the result is my experience of joy, peace and happiness. I tend to think that, when I feel to say something, or do something, or not say something or not do something, it isn’t necessary for me to act on those feelings; tend to think that I can just watch everything unfold, just let the script unfold itself without me having to take part in it, without me doing anything; I tend to think that, whatever I feel to say/ not say, do/ not do, will be felt by someone else too and they will take care of it. What I really feel now though is, that when I do that, inside, I feel really… repressed, and not at all at peace, or joyful and happy. It feels like it is just another way for me to make myself the victim. Because in this way, first of all I can’t do anything wrong – since I am not even participating – and secondly, if something doesn’t turn out the way I hoped, then I can blame someone else. Then I can say See, this happened because YOU did this, or didn’t do this! Pretty clever! That is a way of thinking that I’ve been keeping hidden from my awareness for, probably, my entire life. There’s always been a fear of doing something wrong, so what do I do? I don’t even try!
But, man, does that feel stifling!
It’s pretty amazing for me to realize that now! I didn’t even know that this is what I was doing! Right now, it seems that Holy Spirit is really keeping that lesson in the forefront of my mind, and it seems to be uncomfortable, and it seems to be scary, and embarrassing. I doubt myself and my feelings, and I fear that I will do something wrong, say the wrong thing to the wrong person in the wrong tone of voice. And yet, a little part of me understands that there is nothing that can be done wrong, and that there really aren’t any consequences. And the really great thing has been, that when I do follow my feelings, even when I am afraid, and my heart starts pounding and my voice is shaking, the outcome is always wonderful! Just wonderful! The reflections from my brothers are ones of gratitude and gentleness and love and honesty and openness. And I end up feeling such relief from just saying, just expressing, what was on my heart. Sometimes I don’t know why I feel a certain way, and it is those times it seems the scariest for me, because I still think that I have to explain, or in a sense defend my feelings. Sounds like really what I say in those moments, is that it is not natural to feel how I am feeling. I would really like to stop that! 🙂 I don’t want to beat myself up anymore, I don’t want to believe those thoughts that tell me I am unworthy and inadequate anymore. I want to be free and without judgements, without attachments and associations, assumptions. I want to trust myself and my feelings, and follow my happiness and joy!
So, now I just keep trying it out, just see what happens when I follow Spirit! I’ll just keep trying Him, so to speak, instead of holding myself back from my own happiness and from the Love that I was created to enjoy and extend!
I will just keep practicing this Part of the Divine Orchestration that the Spirit has entrusted me with! He knows me well, and knows that I can learn it! Woohoo!
Lots of Love,