February 2014

I awoke; it was 1.30am and my roomie was sleeping soundly. Oh great, I thought now what do I do? My desire to sleep had been removed and the only choice that seemed there to be was to get up and go sit on a couch.

Sitting there I started to contemplate why this was happening. I mean, if everything happens for my benefit, then why was I awake alone and in the dark?

After some time it dawned on me to ask Spirit that very question. So I did. I asked Spirit, “Why am I here on the couch, alone and in the dark?” The answer came in the form of a question, “What do you really want?” I sat with this for hours on that couch wondering how I got to where I am and what did I really want?

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The Pop 

Two days ago I sat down with two other volunteers at the table where they were talking. At one point I found myself reciting an old grievance against a brother. Right after that one of the volunteers pointed out exactly what I had done: I had jumped in unasked simply to tell my grievance story. For an instant I thought of justifying myself, but I couldn’t. I knew that what he said was the truth. From a position above the table and a bit to the side, I saw myself clearly. I seemed like a little hate capsule. I recognized what I had done and that I had been doing it for years. Oh God! I was wrong! Completely wrong.

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I cannot do anything wrong. That is the lesson that has been Given over and over in the past few weeks. Nothing can go wrong; everything is perfect.

I’ve been having such contrasting experiences recently. From the deepest feeling of connectedness with God to the deepest feeling of despair. The pendulum swings hard these days! I couldn’t figure out what was going on until I took some much needed time to pray this morning – a prompt I followed thanks to a loving reminder from a dear brother. What I found was that I thought things had to be different from the way they were, that I had to have different feelings and different reactions and different thoughts. Wow! I am glad I was open enough to see that I wanted Peace instead of that, that I indeed wanted Peace more than unhappiness. I went into my feelings deeply, and what I saw was that I thought that I was trapped in wrongness beyond repair. And only a miracle could change my mind about that.

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I have felt so much fear and resistance in recent weeks. A deep fear of love has been coming into my awareness. This fear has been there for as long as I can remember. I have had a tendency to run away whenever it would rise. Most often it played out in relationships, where not only would I exit the relationship when things became intense but several times I would flee whatever country I was in at the time too.

So for weeks my mind has been flipping backwards and forwards like in the song, “should I stay or should I go now…” I feel a deep gratitude to Armelle and the whole team at the Extension Center in Hawaii. Everything is truly welcome here! I could freely express all the thoughts of wanting to ‘do a runner’ and this always helped relieve the intensity in my mind. What a gift to be able to expose all fear thoughts and be met with nothing but love!!!

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